Take a deep breath before reading.

I've been thinking a lot lately. About my life and my future and what my next steps need to be, I have been thinking so much that every time I do I get a little more overwhelmed with the options and ideas and alternatives for this or that. 

I have chosen a pretty broad field of study. The broadest there is actually. I'm undeclared and no where close to figuring out specifics anytime soon.  I feel like I spend hours and hours of my most current life researching and reading and dreaming of one career or the next. I spend my days dillywhacking around wondering if I should be a travel agent or a mental health therapist in the prison system or a commercial photographer, or a flight attendant, or occupational therapist or join the military or or or... It never ends. Tomorrow I'll be wondering if it would be nice to be a integrated market specialist or an EMT. I'm exhausted being in a constant state of unclarity. 

I'm not really sure where this rant was going, but I just needed to rant it, and yell it out at the top of my lungs, to you, to the internet, to anyone who will listen....even at the sky to God asking for a hint at the direction I should be pursuing, just a tiny little sign pointing the way. Because right now all I feel is stress and pressure and anxiety and like I am lost in my own life. 

My Advice to High Schoolers (From a not so distant graduate.)

Yep, I know, I'm being one of THOSE bloggers with his post. But I don't care. 
So here, in all it's "Cliche-ness" is my advice to current and future High Schoolers. 

I'm not going to tell you to pay attention more in class or to study harder.
I won't tell you not to worry with high school boys. 
Or not to skip class when all of your friends are going to Hachi. 
Because you will, and you should and it's part of the experience. 

But I will tell you...
Not to eat the cafeteria soup. 
EVER. 
Just try and avoid cafeteria food in general. 
Except for the smiley fries, because smiley fries rock. 

Take a unique elective. 
(I took drama class my freshman year solely because it fit with my schedule and I figured it would be an easy A. But, It ended up being one of my favorites of my entire HS career.)


I will tell you to laugh with the teachers who think they're funny. Don't be too cool for teacher jokes. Because there are not enough teachers left who haven't gotten dull and hardened by being around teenagers day in and day out. 

I will tell you to do your part in group work. Don't be the kid who slacks off because you know someone else in your group will pick it up. Everyone hates that kid. Yep, even the teachers. And trust me they're not naive to who those kids are. 

Take care of your textbooks. Because they are free and that will soon be a thing of the past. 
And, if you don't take care of them...they WILL charge you! Because the public school system is constantly looking for ways to take your money! 

Try out for a sport if you're even the slightest bit interested! 
Even if you're scared or have never played before. 
I tried out for the tennis team my junior year...I didn't make the team, but I am glad I went for it! 

Read the assigned books. Really they are not that bad. And most of them aren't that long. 
Plus...after assigned reading is the most likely time for a pop quiz. (Yeah, those jokers are real)

Walk to school sometime... jk although I did do that once. 

Don't judge other girls..They have it hard enough. 

Appreciate the janitors...cleaning up after teenagers is one tough, nasty, under appreciated job to have. 

Get the boiled peanuts at the football games, because dude, theres not much better out there than football game boiled peanuts. 

Eat lunch with your friends. This one may seem pretty silly, but it is a hard one for me to say. During my last two years I either ate lunch with a teacher..(I know, I'm a loser...but she was a cool teacher!) or ate lunch in my car. At the time my introvert mind was telling me I really needed the breather, yet I really kind of believe it hurt me in the long run. 

Shake off the bad grades...They happen, but you will have plenty of chances to pull your average up. 

Give the assistant principal a chance, like dang why do they always have such a bad rep. just because they are usually the head of discipline . 

Go to the football games. Even just one or two a season. They are crazy insane spirit parties! 

Don't be too cool for the prom. With or without a date. You should go. (I actually got this piece of advice from an older friend when I was going into my junior year. I waited until my senior year to take the advice, and its true the prom is totally overrated...but it's just something you should do!) 

Don't forge a teachers signature in order to write a pass for yourself to the library. Trust me. 

Be respectful, there is never enough respect in a high school. 

Now

"How much simpler it would be all around if you could put your mind in a cast, like a broken ankle, and elicit murmurings of sympathy from other people instead of skepticism ("You can't really be feeling as bad as all that") and in some cases outright hostility ("Maybe if you stopped thinking about yourself so much..."). 
-Daphine Merkin 

"The body shuts down when it has too much to bear; goes its own way quietly inside, waiting for a better time, leaving you numb and half alive." 
-Jeanette Winterson

"Nothing that grieves us can be called little: by the eternal laws of proportion a child's loss of a doll and a king's loss of a crown are events of the same size." 
-Mark Twain

"I should come with a consumer warning, like the labels that say "Handle with care' or "May be hazardous to your health." I am unfit for human consumption. I struggle to articulate how awful and isolating this feels, but I can't find the words." 
-Martha Manning 

Travel Bug

Well, I have officially caught the travel bug. 
And while I could very easily mix up a repellant including all the logical reasons why I can't act on impulse right now.  I don't want to. 
I want to let myself dream. 
I want to let myself delight in aspirations. 

I want to go. 
Anywhere and everywhere and be spontaneous, letting myself live by the desires of my heart. 
I want to see.
The tallest mountains, the clearest swimming holes, the exclusively hidden camping spots, the twinkle of the most distant stars in the universe. 
I want to do. 
The insane journey into the unknown on that train or that plane or cab or bike or camel or boat or chopper or bobsled or whatever!
I want to experience. 
The culture and the people and the everyday things that have become second nature in the schedules of the locals. 
I want to be. 
Alone in my kayak. Journaling in the light of a camp fire. Deep in conversation on the side of a mountain. Wiping away tears from contagious laughter. Praying alongside the people of a religion I have never practiced. 
I want to taste. 
The freedom of living for myself. And dishes around the world served with things I never even knew existed. 
I want to feel. 
Connected to the land and the community and the life. 

I want to live the most vibrant existence there is available. 
I want to pack up my life into a backpack and not come back until I am fully saturated with this world. 

5 things that make a Successful Day.

A good friend of mine recently posted a Facebook status open ended to her friends asking about the things that they might use to measure daily success by. It got me thinking about things that I personally and unconsciously try and check off when having a successful day!


So I put together a list.
Of five things that I want to accomplish when I think about having a successful day.


My day is considered successful if...


1.  I do not spend a ridiculous and unnecessary amount of time laying in bed. I have gotten into a bad habit of this. I am talking hours..  of just laying around in bed... sometimes reading, sometimes watching Netflix, sometimes sleeping, sometimes just staring at the ceiling and thinking. But never anything particularly productive. When I don't have anything to do...which happens to be very often. I just spend that time in bed. It is unhealthy, both physically and mentally. My days have slowly become filled with less and less. I am an introvert and I normally enjoy all the extra time I have to myself. But it doesn't have to be so darn depressing.


2. I eat real food. I don't know if I am just lazy or convince myself I am too broke to spend my money on food or just not hungry (because all I'm doing is laying around in bed all day) but I seem to never put feeding myself at the top of my priorities. My body gets left behind, I either snack on crap or eat nothing at all. I feel like just eating properly really has a huge impact on my day, (attitude, energy level, mood...etc.). 


3. I am a friend to someone. Whether that is being a listener or encourager or advice giver. Whatever being a friend means that day. I want to be there. I want to be versatile and available for whoever may need a friend, big or small.


4. I am honest with myself. Whether that means telling myself the tough things that need to be heard, allowing myself the time to process through things adequately, or just really getting to know myself in a way that I am aware when I am trying to work around the decision(s) I really need to be making. I want to allow myself honesty. I deserve that.


5. Hmm... I'm still thinking here. Suggestions?!

Thank God...

Thank God for good friends and ice cream. Bear hugs. And coffee dates. For pins on a map and journaled out tears. For campfires and card games. For puppy kisses and rainy days. Thank God for letting go and holding on. For clenched teeth and words of truth. Belly laughs. And Open hearts. For late night I love you's and early morning I miss you's. Thank God for the hurt that went away and the scars that beg to stay. For the questions and the answers. For the consistent and the spontaneous. For solid ground and room to grow. For fiery passion and tender spirits. For moving on and fighting through. Thank God for me and thank God for you.

Rear View Mirrior

Central is the kind of place that looks best in the rear view mirror. Not that Central is really all that horrible of a place, yet there is just something deep in my soul that feels an urge to get out. The urge to flea from this mundane town.
Don't get me wrong though I love Central, it has been a wonderful place to spend these teenagers years of mine, really I mean that. It is full of beautiful land and I have found my place here in a way that scares me to think of who I would be if I had grown up anywhere else.
I love the people here, some of the most genuine people I have ever met live here. But I need to see other things. I need to travel and see the small towns that other have been similarly affected by. I want to hear new stories and experience new things on unfamiliar soil. I want to do this not just because I need to for myself but also because it is the only thing that has the ability to really make me appreciate Central the way I should.


I have a friend who's grandma died in the same house she was born in. She grew up and lived and raised her children and grandchildren and died in the very same house on the very same street in the very same town. She was happy in it. But she knew no other place. She wasn't aware of the other options out there waiting for her. Waiting for her heart to fall in line with.
I cannot imagine that life. I cannot imagine being content in the one place I began with. I don't have to imagine that life and I won't.