A kick in the Shins

"We don't have to love something for it to become a god to us. All we have to do is devote our most valuable mental attentions to it."

I read that in Beth Moore's book "So Long Insecurity" today and it hit me like a kick in the shins.  It hurt so bad and I know it's because I have been stuck in a cycle revolving around that sentence right there for far too long. I have been devoting my focus and thoughts and energy on some of the most painful emotions resulting from straight up bitterness. I have let my emotions get so out of control that my negativity has morphed into complete instability. All because of the things I have let my soul stay bitter at.

I have been at a place of pain and hurt for months too long...when the funny part is that God has already expressly told me to cease trying to fix what insists on staying broken. If the God of the universe has told me as clear as day that I need to quit ruining myself with these things then I probably need to stop. He has given me the authority to set myself free and I bet it breaks His heart to see me allowing the injustice of other people to cause me to miss out on His great plans for my life. 

I can't handle what I'm doing to myself anymore. I am creating my own misery, I have let my tender and unhealthy heart turn reasonable things into full fledged disasters.
I have created situations with unreasonable expectations in which being disappointed and hurt is almost inevitable, and the thing is, I know better than this. I know this situation does not have the power to define and diminish me.
So why on Earth do I let it. I am sick to death of it.
I don't need something so unhealthy to have a hold on me any longer.

I am worth more. That's all there is to it.

Addicted

I have been hurt lately, and by lately I mean the past few months... and by the past few months I mean the past 12 months. I have been so hurt that I haven't even really been giving myself time to find out why I'm so hurt. I've been looking at the outside and the obvious reasons. But why am I REALLY so hurt?

The fact is I became addicted. I was despondent and dependent. Needing more and more care. And suddenly the attention began to waver. I began suffering the easily foreseeable consequences.
 
I think addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation based love story.
Elizabeth Glibert once described it by saying "It all begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady hallucinogenic does of something you never even dared to admit that you wanted". That's what happened to me, and suddenly I started craving it. With the hungry obsession of any junkie. And all of a sudden when the drug was withheld, I promptly turned sick, crazy, depleted. (Not to mention the resentment I felt toward the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place.)
I'm torn up.
While meanwhile the object of my "adoration" has become repulsed by me. They look at me like I'm someone they have never seen before. And the irony is that I can hardly blame them.
I mean really, check me out.
I'm a pathetic mess.
It's recognizable, even to my own eyes.

Heat swells behind my eyes as I think of it. But I clench my teeth, because I am fed up. Fed up with tears and weakness. I am sad and I am broken but I need to hurry up and heal. It has had a hold on me for too long. I have burnt up too much of my time and energy being upset about it.