"Good Christian Girl"

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.
Probably too much... I'm pretty sure it has been ruining parts of me.
But all this thinking has made me decide I need a change.

I decided I am going to give up on trying to be just a "good Christian girl".
I'm tired of attempting to put up a front.
I don't want to put on a show starring a fake girl anymore.
I'm tired of trying to be two faced, one face representing me and one face representing someone I'm not even good at pretending to be.
So I give up.
I give up on trying to be one of those "goody goody Christians"
Because I am not.
Because I am sin stained.
Because I am broken.
Because I am prideful.
Because I am full of crap.
Because I am sorrow blackened.
Because I am lost.

It wears me out walking through the halls at school pretending like I don't have all the same temptations as someone who's not a Christian.

It wears me out going to church every Sunday without fail and using all those big fancy religious words to make me seem more spiritual. To put on a fake smile and participate in small talk like it's my job. To act like what I've been told all the good Christians are supposed to act like. They tell me I'm not supposed to act like there are problems in my life and how I need to remember what was sacrificed for me. How I need to remember how amazing my life really is compared to so many others. How I have been forgiven.

It's like every day I am in some kind of on going debate with the church to see if teenagers are worth more than filling up one side of the church in the morning.
It's like in my head I am involved in some sort of struggle in pin pointing how much of an opinion I should get, or how much I can really possibly know at sixteen about the reality of things.
I don't want to constantly be striving to reach a stage that's impossible to reach.


I don't even know when I started being someone I'm not.
I remember priding myself on NOT being fake.
I remember looking around at my classmates, at the girls especially and wondering what is it that makes everyone want to be someone else so bad.
I didn't get why people find it so hard to be happy with who they are.
But it was then that I started understanding why there is constantly so much drama in school and in this world.
It's because people are always trying to be someone less than their own beautifully made self.
There is so much drama because people are always being misunderstood in their pretend characters.
It's just a big mess.
So I never understood why you would go to so much trouble to be someone else.
I mean, we do a pretty sucky job at being the person we were made to be, so what makes us think we could do a better job as someone else.
I feel like so often we just settle for the way the world does things.
It's foolish really.

But suddenly I was wrapped up in it.
Suddenly I was using all those cliché Christian sayings.
Suddenly I was saying "Lord willingly", or "God bless", and ending conversations with "I will be praying for you and your family".
Because that's what I was taught would make me respected or thought of as less than some kid.

But what's the point.
What's the freaking point of all of it!
It's a big scam!
So I quit.

I'm not a good Christian girl.
I'm not going to claim I read my Bible everyday or that I will always pray for you, or that when I worship I feel touched by the grace of God.
I am not going to claim to be anything more than broken little me.


I only claim to love a compassionate, merciful, humbling God. I will strive to be all he wants ME to be.

I claim to be aware of my junk.
It's why I need Jesus!